Rigorous Honesty

hey you, yeah you, fool
I cordially invite you
(and the whole world too)
somebody I thought I knew
to come totally clean about everything
not just about the cheating
I'm talking about all your schemes
I don't give a shit what people think
you always have because you're weak
it doesn't bother me saying it hurt me
finding out you had no love, heart's tiny
I know I sound petty to a heartless, fucking man
all I ever wanted was to, truly, understand
how anyone could be so evil
living so callously deceitful
telling our friends and family I was crazy
trying to turn my own son and parents against me
I know you're unable to cut the bull shit
patholigically speaking you can't do it
let's keep me out of this a moment
sobriety? really? you claim to know it
you say "AA" is how you found your way
seriously, define "rigorous honesty" okay
see, your "tells" always give you away
you worked at a rehab but hated "therapy"
that was the first "tell" you showed me
just one more item, so you can see
how obvious your lies were to me
Spiritually speaking, do you truly believe
your Higher Power is too stupid to see
that you are lying when saying, "sorry?"
if you believe you're fooling anybody
it is only you you're fooling honey
how many times did I hear you say
"apoligies mean nothing if you don't change"
so Nick, Tom or hypocrite - whatever your name
does your sponsor know you're a liar too
in the same way God and myself do?
has he added one and one to get two?
does he know that Bill W. was writing of you?
when he said, "AA would save anyone except a few
for those incapable of rigorous honesty"
because a liar isn't capable of an apology
yes, that one word brings us back to me
I never gave you such a hateful apology
why did I expect more than you yelling it at me?
maybe I should be the one apologizing
to myself, my son and God for sacrificing
everything I had achieved by "rigorous honesty"
my dreams, goals and self esteem
I earned with my sobriety
I handed over to you helping you to destroy
not just me, all women, because as a boy
your mom didn't protect you
any therapist would see as I do
you don't know how to be truthful
because to do so would be hurtful
you convinced yourself it was justifiable
moreover it became inexcusable
a mom standing between a dad's abuse
to you, there was no excuse
you stuffed away your feelings and truth
I saw and knew everything before saying, "I do"
what does that say about who I became?
don't worry honey, life's just a game
I have no choice, I was born to win
it only took dying eight times this incarnation
I'll be just fine in no time because I shine
I'm a star-born, I told you to come fly
you chose your fate while I made mine
how many times will you read this rhyme
before it sinks in to your fucked up mind?
no, don't tell me, you'll just be lying

by Tamara Imes-Nicholas 2013