I Saw You

Monday, April 4, 2011 by Tamara Nicholas

you were there at the resident's desk holding a fist full of hockey tickets
you asked me if I’d signed up to go to the game
I said, "what game?" no one ever told me anything
I was a new client, you were staff - that didn't matter
you told me where the list was and I should go sign up
you quit your job the day after game night just so we could date
a year later we were married and I was working as a receptionist
at the same treatment center in the executive wing while going to college
soon after we were married I quit college I was just so tired and sick all the time
yes, I was pregnant, the best thing that ever happened to me, to us, a baby boy
those were the days - do you remember them? of course you do, you're in heaven
again I saw you the day after Thanksgiving, you called me to pick up our dog
because you were homeless from your addiction, the demon had entered in
and finally the demon won last Thursday night, you were shot by a cop in Ogden
I just found out today, Valentine’s Day, it hurt so bad knowing you were gone

I never got to tell you I remembered what a great guy you were 

I remembered telling my brother you were worth more dead than alive 
so far as child support went and, now, I'm so sorry for that comment
I forgot just how powerful words can be (especially when said aloud)
when I came to pick up the dog you looked nothing like the man I married
you were still sick with pneumonia, I tried to convince you to go to the hospital
I explained how you could get help to get off the streets and get clean

you wouldn’t listen to me because your addiction had control 

I wish you would have listened, things could have been so much different 

I know you’d still be alive, we may have rebuilt what was lost

I blame myself because if I would have waited the two years for you to stay clean

proving to me you could be the husband and father you once were

I think you would have succeeded and we would've been together as a family

I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you, I’m sorry your life ended so violently and tragically

I know you’ll be there to greet me when I finally leave this world

because you’ve come to me in my dreams and you seem truly happy now

of course you are, you’re at peace, you’re not a slave to the human condition

I never stopped loving you and I know you never stopped loving me and our son

until we meet again, my love, watch over us and visit me as often as you can