The End of a Bad Era

never, in my life, would I have imagined
life, as I knew it, would be so horribly damaged
so lonely and unloved though they pretended
to care, worry or other "signs" they extended
thought it was great, my ability to see falseness
gifts can be a curse when reality is no less
than a game of facades people choose to play
rather than allow goodness to be displayed
not in a false sense of saying "the right things"
but letting their actions display authenticity
I've always despised playing their game
it is a lie, I am honest, lies lead to shame
for us few having a conscience and integrity
soon, God willing, a crossing over for me
I have lost sight of everything that's worth seeing
the memories fade of my favorite human being
my only child, my reason for pushing forward
my strength to fight a ruthless villain and coward
I can't blame my boy for making this choice
no matter his motivation, he still has a voice
to turn a deaf ear, forcing him to stand beside me
undermines what God gave us to exercise individually
I have only one fear that is felt deep inside me
justifiably so since death has always been temporary
I pray this time will be different and God will let it be
I'm sure it sounds selfish to those who can't see
this gift from a mother who wants him to be happy
removing his conscience from any accountability
sacrificing my desires to be restored as a family
I have never claimed to be perfect, not in any way
I've been thankful for all God's given every single day
I shouted in frustration which I'm ashamed to say
with no signs being given to suggest hope was in reach
stress so overwhelming not a soul or religion can preach
what is right or wrong because they've nothing to teach
no clue to the desperate circumstances pushed upon me
the last six years of my life so brutal it's hard to conceive
uglier than 16 years of addiction, even the worst three
I'll always cherish my son and helping people Spiritually
no amount of money or doom can take them from me
I never wanted what has become my only hope for serenity
if there was any other possibility I'd take it instantly
so goodbye (God willing) I'm off to spread my wings
son, please forgive me and remember the good things

by Tamara Imes-Nicholas 2013