I know I’ll be just Fine (I Love that Son of Mine)

what in the world can I possibly do?

I need a miracle and I need it soon

God, that’s why I keep coming to you

there’s nothing that I haven’t tried

nothing that I haven’t applied

no more time left for me to bide

no one but my son I can confide

everyone else I’ve loved has lied

most of my family thinks I’m whining

I’m sure almost all of them think I’m lying

my son’s the only one who knows I’m trying

none of them have any right to judge me

I don’t want or need anyone’s sympathy

or pity, both are weak and weak isn’t appealing

what I would like is just a little understanding

and I would love to benefit from planning

instead of waiting to take another fall

I’d be happy to benefit even if it’s small

with respect to benefit, I’ll take about anything

I’d love to be able to look forward to something

as long as we’re speaking of the word respect

that’s the one thing I never seem to get

but I’m never, ever running low on regret

and it doesn’t matter how much I attempt

everyone will always easily forget

anything kind or worthwhile I’ve done

whether for strangers or for loved ones

I’m judged by my circumstances or on

what I do or say caused by all the frustration

no one comprehends my desperation

to be someone who’s just able to function

I try so hard to do the best with what I’ve got

for too fucking long it’s not been a lot

I wish I was the one who’d been shot

because I feel, see and know a whole lot

about the motives and constant deceit

that my family has plotted and given to me

I don’t care about what other people think

but it’s hard to not care about my family

apparently for them it comes pretty easy

I wish I could pretend to always be happy

most of them don’t even know the real me

and really, the real me is impossible to see

through the armor I wear in order to save me

there has been times I removed it completely

it’s a shame, when I do, I get hurt immediately

when I was a child my dad did it repeatedly

my step-dad made my mom choose him or me

not only when I was young, he did it recently

it’s not like I expected to be treated differently

even my son sees how fucked up they treat me

he said the same words that I've been thinking

“it’s like they set you up to fail,” he said to me

then, at such an emotionally hard moment

he said what I needed to hear and he meant it

he sees and knows me for who I really am

he said he knew I’d never do that to him

“because you’re a good mom” and I knew then

despite how terrible things and people have been

my life will be worth living as long as I have him

©July 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas

Planting Seeds

back and forth, like a boat, here we go

round and round so fast about to blow

pushing me like you don’t even know

that I’m plotting different ways to go

I need to be loved, I deserve respect

instead my life’s been full of neglect

setting me up to fail, your pet project

when I do leave you’ll show no regret

inside I’m torn between different needs

resenting the fact I always concede

my progress stops as your needs impede

can’t keep doing this, I’m planting a seed

watching the fruit of my life start to grow

while watching you stockpile your ammo

if I don’t leave this fucking freak show

we’ll both be stuck forever in limbo

sick of saying, “sorry,” it’s getting old

you don’t show emotion, you’re too cold

even when I call your bluff you won’t fold

I can’t stand to look at you, truth be told

the fruit is ripe enough for me to go

you won’t notice because you’re hollow

you’ll blame me, because you can’t swallow

your pride, all you have is your ego

©July – Tamar Imes-Nicholas

I said please...

I appreciate anyone who has come to view my blog. Especially if they read any of my work. I would be, even, more appreciative if people would start following my blog. Not for the same reason most YouTubers, Bloggers or Twitterers ask people to follow them, which is for financial gain. I would like people to follow my blog so I could feel important. You know, be somebody. Seriously, I'm pathetic.

No, I just want to know if there's anyone on the planet who actually likes my work. If someone chooses to follow me, my assumption would be that they liked something they read.

Then again, it could mean that they hated my work and chose to follow me so that they could reply to what I post and tell me, exactly, how much I suck.

Either way, I'm cool with it as long as they follow me. Come on, please. I don't have any friends and I feel so alone and, and, and... Hey, wait up. I've got money.

Queensland (A Poem Spawned from another Poem)

four years ago I lived in a sleepy laid back town

my computer was hacked by a fucking clown

it was several clowns in all actuality

the mindless master behind the brutality

was an older guy, far from being a man

put a ring on my finger as part of his plan

a self proclaimed woman hating prick

he hated women because he had a small dick

he married me to get my trustfund money

the joke was on him but he didn't find it funny

he thought he was a player but had no game

when I told him "I knew" things weren't the same

I changed all the locks when he went to Boise

when he tried to break in the alarm was noisy

I knew everything he'd been doing from day one

tried to forgive, but then he went for my son

even for a him it was a low blow

I was nicknamed "the tiger," but he didn't know

my clienté and my supplier gave me that name

like all tigers, I go for the jugular vein

I had more than one opportunity to end him

by taking the high road I allowed him to win

not by a knock out, TKO or by a landslide

just by a nose so he could hold onto some pride

believe me, it would've been easier to kill him

it takes much more strength to let someone win

when the game you're both playing has no rules

the skills to survive aren't taught in the schools

adrenaline junkies would fail half way through

it sounds like I'm bragging by telling the truth

words can't describe the damage that was done

to my mind, body and soul; that's not how he won

it took a lot of time and effort for all of them to heal

irreplaceable, my "work" is what he chose to steal

while reading "Queensland" I flashed back in time

remembering my web site that hosted my rhymes

when they hacked my computer taking my files

rerouting my "tree" and changing all my profiles

stealing my two domains after I re-registered them

deleted the one for my book to cause more mayhem

but they deliberately kept my business domain

changed all my information, keeping the name

when I went to white light therapy I discovered

he made Queensland the location hoping to cover

his previous mistakes that proved he was guilty

listing Queensland he attempted to convince me

our former employer was behind all of HIS drama

knowing I knew about their expansion to Australia

all it accomplished was proving his stupidity

he'd have a shot if I'd never been outside the country

when I looked at the web address it was missing ".au"

anyone who's traveled would have noticed this too

just as it was back then it is now, enough is enough

sorry for hijacking your thread with all of my stuff

some day I'll come across one of many triggers

I'll keep going without engaging or just go bigger

©July 12, 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas