what in the world can I possibly do?
I need a miracle and I need it soon
God, that’s why I keep coming to you
there’s nothing that I haven’t tried
nothing that I haven’t applied
no more time left for me to bide
no one but my son I can confide
everyone else I’ve loved has lied
most of my family thinks I’m whining
I’m sure almost all of them think I’m lying
my son’s the only one who knows I’m trying
none of them have any right to judge me
I don’t want or need anyone’s sympathy
or pity, both are weak and weak isn’t appealing
what I would like is just a little understanding
and I would love to benefit from planning
instead of waiting to take another fall
I’d be happy to benefit even if it’s small
with respect to benefit, I’ll take about
anything
I’d love to be able to look forward to something
as long as we’re speaking of the word respect
that’s the one thing I never seem to get
but I’m never, ever running low on regret
and it doesn’t matter how much I attempt
everyone will always easily forget
anything kind or worthwhile I’ve done
whether for strangers or for loved ones
I’m judged by my circumstances or on
what I do or say caused by all the frustration
no one comprehends my desperation
to be someone who’s just able to function
I try so hard to do the best with what I’ve
got
for too fucking long it’s not been a lot
I wish I was the one who’d been shot
because I feel, see and know a whole lot
about the motives and constant deceit
that my family has plotted and given to me
I don’t care about what other people think
but it’s hard to not care about my family
apparently for them it comes pretty easy
I wish I could pretend to always be happy
most of them don’t even know the real me
and really, the real me is impossible to see
through the armor I wear in order to save me
there has been times I removed it completely
it’s a shame, when I do, I get hurt immediately
when I was a child my dad did it repeatedly
my step-dad made my mom choose him or me
not only when I was young, he did it recently
it’s not like I expected to be treated
differently
even my son sees how fucked up they treat me
he said the same words that I've been thinking
“it’s like they set you up to fail,” he said to me
then, at such an emotionally hard moment
he said what I needed to hear and he meant it
he sees and knows me for who I really am
he said he knew I’d never do that to him
“because you’re a good mom” and I knew then
despite how terrible things and people have been
my life will be worth living as long as I have
him
©July 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas
No comments:
Post a Comment