isn’t it so crazy
how all the abuse and all the pain
keeps getting
passed to each generation in vain
it’s
stopping here with me and my whole generation
no excuses
will ever justify this fucked up situation
all I ever
wanted was to be loved for who I am
honestly, in
my whole life, nobody gave a damn
my own family
never saw me for who I grew to be
but I know
my son has always loved me for being me
he never
doubted or questioned that I had his back
always proving
to me I placed him on the right track
we lost his
dad and to this day it hurts so I have to grieve
because I
know it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t leave
it’s easy to
say that if I’d stayed we’d be a happy family
happiness is
an expensive gift, but our misery is always free
my son, he
had to grow up so fast because of all my pain
I’m sorry,
for him, it wasn’t just limited to physical disability
the worst
pain comes from the wounds found deep inside of me
my son
deserves much better than what I’m able to give him
I’m not
talking about before, I mean the mess we’re currently in
the chaos of
running from one fire just to put out another
at times these
past few years I felt incapable as a mother
but even in
those darkest of days he never stopped loving me
thank you
God because that boy is my light shining brightly
it hurts to
think of the things I tried, I hope he’ll never know
I was weak, didn’t
want to live no more, I just felt I had to go
I knew it wasn’t
up to me, even before he came along
so why the
fuck did I try to sing that same old fucked up song?
such a
selfish thing to do, he deserves a whole lot better
I get so
damned depressed knowing it doesn’t even matter
how much I
try, how many times I make a new disguise
all I find is
that my dreams don’t come true, it’s no surprise
and it kills
me, the way I feel inside, but then here he comes
puts his
arms around me tight and shows me that I’m loved
if all the
suffering I’ve endured is in exchange for him
no way I’ll
trade my son’s love, not for any one of them
you know the
ones, those forever condemning me
the imperfect
examples telling me how I’m supposed to be
if the world
stopped spinning tomorrow, I know I’d be just fine
because I
ended the cycle of abuse, I did it for real this time
©August 4,
2014
©August 4,
2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas
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