I Refuse to be a Cliche

cliché for me to say

how we hurt those

we love the most

I don’t have to try,

it seems, these days

even when I’m

making a joke it hurts

how was I supposed to know?

he always knew when

I wasn't serious before

hell, for the longest time

it was all I could do 
to get him to 
take me serious

when I wasn't joking

now, with all the pain

my body’s in daily

added to the stress

created by my inability 
to move us forward

I've tried everything

I can think of while living 
the definition of insanity

as I kept trying the same things

hoping for different results
been doing this shit too long
to expect anything
especially results that result
in my employment
within professional professions
where I work circles
around my peers and supervisors
sadder than my exile
from careers that pay well
unable to obtain, even, a
"less than minimum wage" job
all the while knowing,

deep inside, I’m out of moves

which terrifies me as a mom,

having zero control of

where he and I are headed 
despite trying so hard 
to change the energy 
within me and, after 
succeeding at that,

my boy walks in without
any conscious agenda

dismantling everything

I've worked on all day

he’s much wiser and more mature 
than all the kids his own age

he's had his eyes opened wide

to see, first hand, how 
fucked up people are, 
even, if they’re family

but it is a very important fact 
I've been trying to explain 
(my attempt to ease the blow)

it was he and I against the world

but, lately, it’s been him against me

and, that, I cannot take - ever

I’m struggling to hold it together

within the circumstances

we've been in for too long

I know it’s taken a toll on him

it shouldn't be this way for us

what more do You want? 
You, the one who's running the show, 

haven’t I proved my loyalty?

I may have questioned things

for a moment here and there

but I have never been fool enough 
to deny your existence, no,

not with all I've experienced

that would be more than ignorant

and is sure to add more 
insult to my many injuries 
that keep giving me hell

let alone what my psyche

does to me during shit like this

but, I have done this dance

over and over and over 

enough to spin me in circles

if the goal is to get me spinning

why not help me to stop 
in the opposite direction just this once?

I know, without doubt, 
this isn't how it’s supposed to be
not for someone like him and me

this IS NOT MY fucking legacy

so keep all the darkness
so far away it can't see me 
let alone fuck with me
its had plenty of my time 
to interfere with everything
my hopes and my dreams 
which (together) form my destiny

©February 5, 2015 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas