Mother Means Heartbreak

I know how often I told you

how much I, truly, love you

how often I said how proud I am

of what an intelligent young man

that you’re becoming

and how un-becoming

we’ve been to each other

but, son, I am your mother

I don’t expect you to understand

I never wanted to raise my hand

to you, no I never wanted to

be your mom and your dad too

I know you’re angry with me

angry at things that you don’t see

this isn’t how either of us want to be

and no matter what you think of me

no matter how much I seem to be

blaming you for many things

please believe me when I say

that I will never walk away

I will always have your back

no matter who comes to attack

I hope you know within your heart

I am not scrutinizing your part

that you were sent here to play

I forgive you every single day

I know you forgive me too

for the anger I show to you

please know none of it is true

out of the shit I say to you

because most of it belongs to

everyone else except for you

I’d trade my life for your happiness

I know I’ll never be at my best

with how my life’s become a mess

which leaves me feeling so hopeless

I’m tired of being let down

I’m sick of causing you to frown

you don’t deserve to be treated badly

you deserve a mom and dad but sadly

you’re stuck with the worst part of me

I, really, wish you could still see

the mom I used to be before

I lost everything and so much more

the best years of my life were spent

with you and your dad before he went

and I wish I could give the world to you

I wish that neither one of us knew

how fucked up most people are

tonight I wished upon a shooting star

for you to have all you’ll ever need

and all you’ll ever want without greed

the scariest thing in my life has been

not being able to know if or when

I’d ever be a good mom again

I felt so happy on that day when

you told me I was a good mom

now it seems like my life is all wrong

maybe I’ll be blessed one last time

to know all your respect is, truly, mine

even better to know I prepared you

for the fucked up shit people will do

never again will anyone hurt you

forgive me for all I put you through

I know you know I never wanted to

but want has very little to do

with what life gives us “chosen few”

just remember what we came to do

remember that we have to go through

painful lessons that we’ll hold onto

long after we’ve done all we agreed to do

my heart will forever belong to you

no matter what you do or don’t do

©February 21, 2015 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas