The Last Shepherd

it’s so hard for me, but I really do try

to comprehend, to understand the reason why

in this world with so many wolves on the prowl

there are, still, so many fucking sheep? how

can it be possible for the impossible to be

I don’t get a portion let alone entirely

this concept of following others without questioning

what the wolves are selling before the sheep start buying

it’s so unnatural to me, but I do like prying

into many, fuck it, ANY of all the shit flying

am I the only person left, in a world that’s dying,

to question motives with so many wolves lying

laying in wait to snatch any sheep it can

there’s nothing moral about killing a baby lamb

am I the only one left who’s NOT trying to get video?

a whole flock of sheep are “taping” the attack and NO

it’s NOT GOOD their only concern is “capturing” the show

with so many people filming how come no one, even, knows

where the shepherds are, now, nobody gave a shit so

the world’s thick with bystanders without a fucking hero

I’m getting sick thinking, “how life is,” no matter where I go

am I the only one in this world, which is over-populated,

aware of how much progress we’ve lost, totally uncompensated

I know there has to be, at least, one other shepherd left

despite the wolf pack that’s calling for our death

does it matter if the shepherds became part of the flock

if they’re that scared to die they’re too soft to be a rock

it’s not for me to say what another shepherd does

even if they join the pack, who wants me dead, because

they’re as equally scared to die as those disguised like sheep

tell them they can have the flock so long as they don’t eat

if they get hungry, I am here, and I have plenty of meat

the only thing I ask is that they don’t come in one clump

since this shepherd has only one .12 gauge Mossberg pump

©August 28, 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas

The Maze

eventually, the path we walk in our lives,

through life’s maze, will lead us to a place

where no more progress can be made

in the direction we are traveling

and, being creatures who have

survival hard-wired into our DNA,

we will turn back to make our way

towards the place we last turned

most of us are habitual in our ways

seeking out progression rather than regression

we do not give a moment’s thought

with regard to going “further back” in our path

as to do so seems silly and time consuming

so we enter at the last turn which we made,

already, resolved to go on ahead from there and,

through no fault of our own, the walls of life’s maze

become narrower, taller and lengthier (somehow)

causing us to travel longer without choices as to

which way to go, other than forward, despite the

obvious appearance that there may not be

another chance to change directions any time soon

(if ever at all) which brings upon great weight

for us to carry on a, seemingly, unending journey

draining our energy as well as all hope

of the opportunity to change the course of our lives

©August 24, 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas

Thorny Pricks

like morning glory I'm so hard to stop

stronger than a dandelion you can't pop off my top

the world is full of many ugly insidious crops

I don't harm anyone so passers-by don't stop

no, I may not ever vanish completely

and when I come back it's always more sweetly

I don't understand why anyone wants to kill me

because I come with many o' white flower

though they're tiny they still pack more power

unlike my vines that intertwine and climb

spreading my little flowers so infinitely divine

to create a soft patch hidden inside your mind

for you to relax, free from the prickly porcupines

so go ahead and lay back, trade your stress for sunshine

don't let all the jealous haters rob you of your spine

lay back on my sweet softness to take a needed rest

close your eyes and then take a nice, big deep breath

you're here within my retreat so please be my guest

there's no need to take Valium or drink any wine

because I'm here so just allow me to blow your mind

there's no need to fear about anyone bleeding you dry

my soft, sweetness is designed to evaporate time

but if, even now, you still don't have the slightest clue

just take a wild guess about what's in it for you

it's up to you to decide if you're ready to “come to”

by then I'll have planted more dreams within you

so go ahead and do whatever it is you plan to do

but, when you leave, save a dream or two

because a life lived without dreams

is worse than a lawn with prickly weeds

don't ever let those thorny pricks rob them from you

but please realize that even if they happen to

I'm not here to judge or take anything from you

I've only one wish, only one job I'm glad to do

just be ready when their thorns get stuck inside you

so come on back anytime you want, relax and unwind

I do this out of love, there's nothing better you'll find

I hope you can see how beautiful life can be

when you extend your hand to a fellow human being

soon you will see people are just like all the weeds

society says that we're supposed to despise all sorts of things

but it doesn't mean that they're right

in fact, it's only because they're uptight

because throughout their whole life

every person they met came to fight

so many weeds stuck their thorny pricks inside

such pain as the thorns became fangs sucking blood

everyone from everywhere, never showing no love

please keep in mind if you happen to get stuck

it has absolutely nothing to do with bad luck

it was all just a test to find out if you'd show love

power, like choice, can lift you up or pull you down

you'd be wise to come back, lay on my soft ground

just remember I cannot force anyone to unwind

I suggest you relax, leave the past’s pain behind

praying I'll be blessed with someone to blow MY mind

that day is coming soon and I hope you will find

how evil you’ve been to me so move on or be kind

I don't lie or break promises despite what's in your mind

I swear mother fucker I promise I'm no longer being kind

I'm done taking the high road to a one-way, dead end

so this is your final warning, it was never pretend

©November 2012 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas

The World is a Clitoris

the world is a big clitoris

run amok with cocks and dicks

and I am the only vagina

"stick it to me big daddy

everyone else has screwed me sideways"

I wish I was an asshole

to purge the earth of all the excrement

rid it of all its ugliness, vulgarity, and insanity

you're not even listening, I'm wasting my energy,

my Intelligence, Spirituality and mortality

along with my goodness and decency

and there goes my propensity

to give the tiniest bit of a shit

fuck your two cents, I want a dollar

though a million fucking dollars

won't give me back what I've lost

cut my losses, fuck what it cost

who's to say what his cost is

who's to know what I really felt

when I was dealt 
this shitty hand

I want him, here, to stand

while I belt out this last note

it's all that I wrote 
it's all that I know

it's pain so raw, so deep, so low

how far can it go

well, I don't really know

I don't really care much these days

for me, now, nothing fazes

don't even care anymore

that's the price that I've paid

to love so much - too much

to have more love for him than myself

that's what I get for loving I guess

believing his lies made me a mess

living a life filled with stress

I allowed him to take me away from me

he kept saying I don't trust him, you see

but I tried then I did and by trusting in him

he stole everything from me, my identity

not just metaphorically I mean it literally

took my check book - gave it to his piece of ass

I don't mean to sound crass

but that clitoris cannot mimic this

any cunt can suck a cock bitch

let's see how well you talk

or, in my shoes, even try to walk

with your enormous clown feet

you may, even, be good under the sheets

I doubt you're any better than me

I wonder, how well do you think?

can you get outside the box

no, not think outside the box

I mean (really) get yourself out of a box
I may be blonde, but this "Goldie Locks"
is crazy just like any fucking fox

you stupid irrelevant little twit

I bet you don't even have real tits

you probably have a real nice smile

I’m damn sure it gets a lot of miles

you left a lot of tracks and by that I mean clues

how pretty is your face when it's black and blue

you’ll have to come out of hiding soon

we'll see who's laughing at who

we'll see if you will, also, call the cops

or if his dick is still hard as rocks

at least I'd be doing my own time

it would be for my own crime

not for shit you did while pinning it on me

after you stole my money and identity

after beating your ass I'll gladly do time

remembering each day how much you cried

as you were begging me to stop

yelling, "please, someone call the cops"

hearing your nose snap right in two

as your blood instantly started to spew

you'll never take from someone else - get it?

no, you don't, but you will live to regret it

I will never let anyone take from me again

I will make you wish you had never "been" 

©September 2010 – Tamara Roberts (before Imes or Nicholas)

Edited August 2014 by Tamara Imes-Nicholas

The Window

sitting, with deep gaze fixed 
as if looking through the window

what is seen isn’t “out there” 
it is within the mind’s eye

playing the same reruns of 
better times that led to tragedy

the details of the happiest moments 
seem to be edited out

whether by the conscious or 
subconscious is irrelevant

the most miserable and horrifying events 
play from beginning to end

except those that occurred in childhood 
at an age most can’t recall

like a scratch on an old vinyl album 
the tape within seems to get stuck

causing a repetition of unpleasantries 
that start and stop over and over

with great concern for her he asks, rhetorically, 
if she’s okay as she’s been staring for hours

at last, a break in the constant struggle 
trying to get past the skipping
caused by the scratch within her vinyl memory

she replies to him, "everything is fine" 
then asks “what’s going on with you?”

he took comfort with their exchange 
of small talk as he replied, “nothing”

it is a great struggle, but she’s able 
to crack a smile, she feels the inauthenticity

causing her face to flush, red with embarrassment 
which he didn’t notice; he is, always, in a hurry 
to get back to his X-box, providing his escape from reality

taking leave he says, “I love you" 
she returns the gesture in kind

feeling relief that her thoughts and visions 
went without notice (at least) this time

she turns her eyes back, toward the window 
assured her burden hasn't become his
she knows that he has many of his own

then, returns, that hideously nagging voice 
who stole most of her life from her

telling her, “it will be best for everyone” 
as she sees a vision of herself on the bed

her skin is blue, her lips a darker hue

and just as she’s resolved, this time, 
the wretched nag may be right

the vision moves forward to him 
entering the room to see her blue skin becoming purple

immediately a feeling of panic and guilt 
rush through her mind and body

seeing his face as he looked upon her 
in such a horrifying and lifeless state 
he’s never been exposed to this
her vision stops abruptly as she gasps
she tells the nagging voice, telepathically,

“be gone from here and leave me to myself,” 

tears run down both cheeks while the intensity 
of her empathic, connection with all things is felt immensely

she knows it cannot be done, she has tried and 
“successfully failed” so many times

she knows that he deserves much more 
than what is his, even, now

grounded in determination to change 
the course of both their lives

she gets up from the chair 
turning away from the window

walking to where he is contently playing 
she dries her eyes before entering his room

with a genuine smile that lights up her face 
she tells him how proud she is of him

bending down, a bit, she puts her arms 
around him from behind as he sits

his eyes strongly fixed upon the screen 
maneuvering the hand control

she has her arms comfortably around him 
giving him a kiss atop his head

squeezing just a tiny bit harder 
as her lips press upon his head until they smack

life will continue on, at least for now, 
knowing she can’t leave him

the wolves would devour him and 
he’s not ready to take on the pack

in silent prayer and meditation 
she gives voice and feeling to her words

sleep overtakes her consciousness quickly 
and in pleasant slumber she dreams

of many things that tell her 
all of her prayers are being answered

©August 19, 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas

Wish Life wasn’t Awful

life used to be so wonderful

the way you could turn awful

into something that was laughable

your son does it too, he’s beautiful

I never knew when I wrote “Star Gazer”

that I was defining what happened later

I keep going and some days are better

than the ones where I sit and remember

how great our life was before it wasn’t

I wish I would have done what I didn’t

I hate myself at times because I couldn’t

keep my promise, maybe you wouldn’t

have relapsed like you did, it’s so hard

not to blame myself for your backward

decline into self-destruction, I empowered

the demons feeding your addiction and I left

thinking I was helping you but I regret

not being with you when you needed it

you needed love more than ever and I let

my education, my profession determine that

I should leave because you wouldn’t come back

from a disease designed precisely to attack

emotional deficits like self-loathing and lack

of self-esteem, anything good trying to take

your life, craving death, I knew what’s at stake

traded you in for someone so evil and fake

I got repaid, put it on my life I won’t make

another mistake with such consequence

I’ve never been one to play only defense

I’m tired of being offended by my offense

trying very hard to make my life make sense

your death was senseless, two shots from behind

just last week a man was killed by the same kind

profiling piece of shit cop every time they find

a reason to acquit these fucks so never mind

trying to make sense of senseless deaths

I’d rather spend time making up for the mess

I made when I didn’t try to keep my promise

I know you forgive me but I don’t feel any less

disgust and regret, at least you’re at rest

©August 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas

Really Utah? Seriously?

I heard on Fox 13 News at Nine tonight (Sunday, January 27, 2013) that a new bill is being proposed that will make it illegal for me to smoke with my child, or any minor, in my car. I am not proud of the fact that I smoke nor that I smoke in my vehicle while my teenage child accompanies me. However, I do have the window(s) down while smoking so that the smoke isn’t stuck inside with us. 

Now, I pay property tax on my car. This translates to being a place that is my property where I decide what goes on within or upon my property. Why haven’t they made it illegal to smoke inside a place of residence while a minor is present? The smoke inside a home is much more likely to be inhaled by the minor and in much greater volume. Is it because a law like that couldn’t be enforced without violating other rights? I believe that is a big motivator. After all, federal law supersedes state law. Keep that last sentence in mind as you read further into this article.

Utah is one of many other “red states” who had paranoid thoughts when the killings took place at Sandy Hook. Many of Utah’s government officials and police departments stated that, “We will not enforce federal laws that take away our gun rights.” This was said despite the fact that neither President Obama nor any other democrat in Washington had mentioned taking away the right to bear arms. 

The only thing that was mentioned in D.C. were ideas about how to eliminate venues where guns were sold without following federal laws on background checks, figuring out better ways to conduct background checks by incorporating mental illnesses, and eliminating the sale of automatic weapons and high capacity ammunition magazines.

How can Utah be so offended by the thought of federal legislation that eliminates high capacity clips and automatic weapons, which are designed specifically to kill large numbers of people very rapidly? They are against such federal gun laws for the fact that it takes away their freedom, yet when it comes to the freedom of a smoker (let’s just call it as it is and say the freedom of a “sinner”) it is okay because of the potential harm it could be doing to a child riding in the vehicle. 

The federal legislation Utah is opposing would definitely, not “potentially,” reduce the episodes of mass killings. Remember, most of the mass homicides have taken the lives of minor children. Yet, they turn around and approve legislation that takes away the freedom of anyone who smokes (sins). For those of you reading who have not been exposed to nor know nothing about the LDS faith, “free agency” is the single most important gift given to all humans by God and should never be taken away. Free agency is freedom only worded differently, but not by much difference.

This legislation, that is so obviously born from the religious beliefs of those who make up the majority in the state of Utah, (including its government officials) to take my free agency (under God) and freedom (under the constitution of the United States of America) as an adult citizen is an outrage. Why? Because their reasoning to make this law hides behind the smokescreen of preventing a disease which is not guaranteed to manifest. 

Second hand smoke has not been studied within the parameters in which this law would be applied. In other words, there haven’t been any studies done with the parameters being minors exposed to second hand smoke while traveling inside of a moving vehicle with the window(s) down and without any other exposure to second hand smoke other than within this variable. 

This entire argument is proof, yet again, that being a liberal living in a very, red state is more than just frustrating. I literally (and liberally) wish all the very, red (crazy) states would just secede from the rest of the (sane) union. And, since it is us (the liberals) who don’t mind fair tax rates because we live in reality where churches, families and neighbors don’t or can’t always take care of the poor or disabled, we get to keep all of our troops and national defense. 

Sure, a lot of the greedy, wealthy, tax-evading citizens will naturally choose to live in the red states because of their hatred for the IRS. But, there are many wealthy people who weren’t born into a long, family line of money who remember where they came from and don’t mind giving back to those who made them rich. 

Believe me, if I had my way I’d be living in southern California. Unfortunately, for the past six years, next to nothing that happens with or in my life is up to me. Don’t mistake that statement as one of a “victim” because, although I have been victimized many times in my life, I have and will continue to survive. I will, also, continue to be realistically optimistic. And, because of the insane hypocrisy in the state where I have to live (for now) I will continue to break the law. That is, the state’s law. 

 

As long as Utah continues to reap the financial rewards from those of us who they call “sinners” by having an actual “sin tax” on alcohol and tobacco I think it is only fair that I retain my God-given and United States federal freedoms. 

By the way, the first few paragraphs of this article was an actual email to the governor of this state. I never received a reply nor did I expect anything to, actually, come of it other than it being opened and immediately being deleted. But, I’m a believer that people who don’t vote do not have a right to bitch about politics and people who don’t (at least) try to be part of the solution don’t have the right to bitch about a problem. 

©August 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas