the way you
could turn awful
into something
that was laughable
your son
does it too, he’s beautiful
I never knew
when I wrote “Star Gazer”
that I was
defining what happened later
I keep going
and some days are better
than the
ones where I sit and remember
how great
our life was before it wasn’t
I wish I would
have done what I didn’t
I hate
myself at times because I couldn’t
keep my
promise, maybe you wouldn’t
have relapsed
like you did, it’s so hard
not to blame
myself for your backward
decline into
self-destruction, I empowered
the demons
feeding your addiction and I left
thinking I
was helping you but I regret
not being
with you when you needed it
you needed
love more than ever and I let
my
education, my profession determine that
I should
leave because you wouldn’t come back
from a
disease designed precisely to attack
emotional deficits
like self-loathing and lack
of self-esteem,
anything good trying to take
your life,
craving death, I knew what’s at stake
traded you
in for someone so evil and fake
I got repaid,
put it on my life I won’t make
another mistake
with such consequence
I’ve never
been one to play only defense
I’m tired of
being offended by my offense
trying very
hard to make my life make sense
your death
was senseless, two shots from behind
just last
week a man was killed by the same kind
profiling piece
of shit cop every time they find
a reason to
acquit these fucks so never mind
trying to
make sense of senseless deaths
I’d rather
spend time making up for the mess
I made when
I didn’t try to keep my promise
I know you
forgive me but I don’t feel any less
disgust and
regret, at least you’re at rest
©August 2014
– Tamara Imes-Nicholas
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