The Window

sitting, with deep gaze fixed 
as if looking through the window

what is seen isn’t “out there” 
it is within the mind’s eye

playing the same reruns of 
better times that led to tragedy

the details of the happiest moments 
seem to be edited out

whether by the conscious or 
subconscious is irrelevant

the most miserable and horrifying events 
play from beginning to end

except those that occurred in childhood 
at an age most can’t recall

like a scratch on an old vinyl album 
the tape within seems to get stuck

causing a repetition of unpleasantries 
that start and stop over and over

with great concern for her he asks, rhetorically, 
if she’s okay as she’s been staring for hours

at last, a break in the constant struggle 
trying to get past the skipping
caused by the scratch within her vinyl memory

she replies to him, "everything is fine" 
then asks “what’s going on with you?”

he took comfort with their exchange 
of small talk as he replied, “nothing”

it is a great struggle, but she’s able 
to crack a smile, she feels the inauthenticity

causing her face to flush, red with embarrassment 
which he didn’t notice; he is, always, in a hurry 
to get back to his X-box, providing his escape from reality

taking leave he says, “I love you" 
she returns the gesture in kind

feeling relief that her thoughts and visions 
went without notice (at least) this time

she turns her eyes back, toward the window 
assured her burden hasn't become his
she knows that he has many of his own

then, returns, that hideously nagging voice 
who stole most of her life from her

telling her, “it will be best for everyone” 
as she sees a vision of herself on the bed

her skin is blue, her lips a darker hue

and just as she’s resolved, this time, 
the wretched nag may be right

the vision moves forward to him 
entering the room to see her blue skin becoming purple

immediately a feeling of panic and guilt 
rush through her mind and body

seeing his face as he looked upon her 
in such a horrifying and lifeless state 
he’s never been exposed to this
her vision stops abruptly as she gasps
she tells the nagging voice, telepathically,

“be gone from here and leave me to myself,” 

tears run down both cheeks while the intensity 
of her empathic, connection with all things is felt immensely

she knows it cannot be done, she has tried and 
“successfully failed” so many times

she knows that he deserves much more 
than what is his, even, now

grounded in determination to change 
the course of both their lives

she gets up from the chair 
turning away from the window

walking to where he is contently playing 
she dries her eyes before entering his room

with a genuine smile that lights up her face 
she tells him how proud she is of him

bending down, a bit, she puts her arms 
around him from behind as he sits

his eyes strongly fixed upon the screen 
maneuvering the hand control

she has her arms comfortably around him 
giving him a kiss atop his head

squeezing just a tiny bit harder 
as her lips press upon his head until they smack

life will continue on, at least for now, 
knowing she can’t leave him

the wolves would devour him and 
he’s not ready to take on the pack

in silent prayer and meditation 
she gives voice and feeling to her words

sleep overtakes her consciousness quickly 
and in pleasant slumber she dreams

of many things that tell her 
all of her prayers are being answered

©August 19, 2014 – Tamara Imes-Nicholas